The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
