Is it because I queefed?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
