I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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