No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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