I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
