I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I enjoy the company of your penis
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