I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
