Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
