I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
