I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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