you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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