I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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