I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
