my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
