you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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