i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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