do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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