she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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