I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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