you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
