I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
