I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
