I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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