no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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