i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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