I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
