What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
