i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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