Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The Olympian is in my bed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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