There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
