I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
