wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
