No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
