Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
