If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
