The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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