ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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