Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
