woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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