i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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