I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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