I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
