dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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