We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
