Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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