Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Found the puke drawer
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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