I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
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Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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