i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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