I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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