i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Randomize
