If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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