theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
