Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
