its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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