are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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