im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i now understand why vodka
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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